Chuckle #385 | December 2nd, 2009
Man vs. Acorn: the Mutant Squirrel Solution
Everywhere I look, men are losing it. (And I’m not talking about their hair.) A cosmic convergence of acid rain, heat, magnetic fields and the cavalier overuse of Scott’s fertilizer has resulted in a bumper crop of acorns this year. Men are naturally prone to obsessive behavior when it comes to their lawns. But with the exception of his WIFE, nothing drives a man crazier than a few million acorns imbedded in an otherwise pristine lawn.
In the male world, there is no such thing as a GOOD acorn; there are just little acorns and big acorns. When people say “That acorn (or apple) didn’t fall far from the tree” they aren’t being complimentary, they are referring to some deviant trait of yours that they see reflected in your children. At this very moment, A.C.O.R.N, the community activist group is under indictment. Given man’s universal hatred of this nut, I predict that “ACORN” will soon earn its props as a bona fide SWEAR WORD in the dictionary of slang. Listen for it in future Jay-Z lyrics.
“Little” acorns are dime size nuts that imbed themselves in your lawn and cannot be raked or blown but must be individually pried out with an ice pick. OR, as my husband discovered last weekend; VACCUMED with an 8HP shop vac and a demonic look of joy. Compulsive? Psychotic even? Yes. But it made my husband happy, and who am I to define “happy”? (Or for that matter, “nutcase”.) I did ask the kids to watch their dad closely for additional signs of madness. If he began to drool or speak in tongues, they were to let me know.
Little acorns bounce off your car leaving little visible damage. “BIG” acorns, (the golf ball sized ones) leave dents and significantly lower the value of your car. Luckily I have tiny acorns. (They don’t damage the car, but they do make playing basketball in the driveway a challenge.) One of our neighbors suffers from monster acorns. If you happen to look UP while walking past their house, you could easily lose an eye. Needless to say, they park in their garage and their kids wear helmets when playing in the yard. I wonder, is possible maiming by acorn something you need to disclose when selling your house?
So what’s a man to do when faced with an epic acorn challenge? What would Homer do? For a modern man, the first inclination is to get out the chain saw and take care of business. But cutting down a tree in these days of Global Warming is NOT politically correct, even if said tree has blinded several neighborhood children and destroyed the paint job on your new Vespa. As always, my husband thinks a new tool would solve his problems. My more intellectually advanced solution is to breed a genetically enhanced mutant squirrel that can consume 18 times its weight in acorns. Unfortunately, as far as BANES to lawn care go, most men put squirrels right up there with acorns. So much for my clever idea. Alternatively, I could breed a mutant husband who doesn’t care so much about his lawn. It’s something to think about.
And there’s more bad news on the way. Given the laws of supply and demand, an excess of fall acorns predicts a bumper crop of spring squirrels. These new squirrels will then dig little holes all over the lawn while our husbands yell profanities at them, like “get off my lawn, you freaking ACORN!” (Which will not bother the squirrels but will scare the pants off the children.)
Squirrels are inconsiderate. When they dig up their nuts, they don’t bother to fill in the holes. And you KNOW that it won’t take long for the dandelion infestation plaguing your neighbor to tap into your lawn’s weakness.
Looking on the bright side (from a woman’s perspective), this Christmas I have TWO great presents I can get my hubby: a new super powered shop vac/blower/mulcher AND a BB gun. Nothing like a ping on the butt to drive the resident squirrels over to safer “turf.” Preferably toward the neighbor harboring the dandelions.
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