Chuckle #409 | June 16th, 2010
The Caveman Diet is Not as “Offal” as it Sounds
Yesterday my husband told me that I eat too much red meat. Because I love my husband, I decided to take his concerns seriously. BUT, because I also love meat, (not quite as much as I love my husband, but close) I am determined to preserve and protect my meat centered lifestyle. I’m now desperately seeking a scientific justification for extreme carnivoredom. Not an easy task.
So I temporarily took the pork butt off the grill and began searching for nutritional proof that meat rules. What I found was the Caveman Diet - AKA Paleolithic Diet; Hunter-Gatherer or Stone Age Diet. This is an approach that supports my love for meat, but appears to be a completely idiotic way to live. But who am I to judge?
There are apparently many people, mostly macho hedge fund guys in NYC, who think that eating just meat, roots and berries will make them live longer and improve their virility. Since most cavemen never lived past age 17, I’m not sure how this could be right. On the other hand, you and I are living proof that there is something to the claim of improved virility.
Then I discovered the very disappointing fact that I’m only meant to consume 2.5 ounces of red meat per day. That’s total barbeque buzz kill. That’s like one teriyaki beef stick at a Chinese restaurant, or one sirloin cube from a kabob. You can’t even buy a steak that small. Unfortunately, every medical “association” in America seems to be on the same page when it comes to red meat. Too much is bad. But 2.5 ounces? I can’t live with that. I’ve got a 12 pound pork butt on the grill, and I’ve named it Bluebell.
There has to be a happy medium (or preferably, a happy medium rare.)
But then I thought, why give up my copious meat intake, when I can simply eat healthier meat? That’s when I found Slanker’s Grass Fed Meats of Texas. Lower in fat, higher in omega-3s, free range in the USA, hormone free, and raised by libertarians. Politics aside, I just found the scientific justification for my preferred lifestyle.
This is happy meat, vs. happy meals. I can get a quarter cow for just $675 which, unfortunately, is about 75 more pounds of beef than my family of 5 is supposed to eat in a month. This means I need to find a friend who is willing to take a share in a cow. Preferably a friend that already owns a large meat freezer and knows what to do with marrow bones.
As it happens, I’ve got the perfect family in mind. A friend of mine married a big mid western meat loving guy whose choice of steak is always Flintstone sized. If anyone is up for a ¼ cow it will be him. Maybe even a ½ a cow. I might even be able to talk him into the cow/hog combo pack. In fact, I’m going to call him right now. This whole thing is actually turning out much better than I thought.
So in the interest of living longer and being a better person, I’ve decided to both cut back a little on my meat eating AND eat leaner, happier meats. At the same time, I’ll see what roots, shoots and berries are growing in my backyard, a la Caveman Diet. Might as well see if there’s anything to that virility claim.
If there is, I have a “haunch” that this approach will more than satisfy my husband, or will at least distract him while I grill-up the T-bones.
