Chuckle #434 | December 15th, 2010
Waiting to Explode in Line at Starbucks
I like waiting in lines. It’s my favorite part of the holiday season. Lines give me the chance to demonstrate just how much better I am than the cranky guy standing next to me in line at Starbucks. I am living proof that the holiday spirit is alive and well simply because I do NOT roll my eyes and radiate absolute despair.
In the old days, God used to test us by asking us to do stuff like sacrifice our first born son or build an improbably large ark. Nowadays he simply puts 10 Starbucks “rookies” in line in front of us, several of whom are trying to chat, breastfeed and order all at the same time. If you can hold it together under those circumstances, you are truly virtuous.
Long lines challenge us to show that we are worthy of evolution (or of creation) by staying perfectly, beatifically CALM. Call it what you will – sainthood or survival instinct – patience is what separates us from the apes, our dogs, and precocious two year olds.
At least this is what I told myself while waiting in line at the post office yesterday.
The line was, as expected, ASTRONOMICALLY long. Two of the three postal workers were on break, which bothered some people but left me unperturbed. As I’ve always said, a happy, well rested postal worker doesn’t bring his shotgun to work wrapped in a baby blanket.
Yes, the wait was interminable, but finally there was just one person between me and the counter…an attractive Swedish lady with a striking resemblance to Gisele Bundchen. She was so pretty she made everyone in line smile. And she wasn’t even breastfeeding.
“Gisele” wanted to mail some letters, but she had a lot of random stamps to use up. The post office guy told her he didn’t have 10 cent stamps but he could give her 4 cent and 6 cent stamps so that she could combine them with her old stamps and mail her stuff without spending a single extra penny on postage.
Gisele, unsure of how many letters/stamps she had, spent the next 10 minutes counting them. Let’s just say that her math skills did not seem to be as honed as her appearance. NOT profiling (because I am better than that), just an honest observation.
It didn’t take long for EVERYONE in line to begin to despise Gisele and to swear off Toblerone forever.
By the time Gisele finished her basic math calculations the postman’s face was very red. Total cost to Gisele: 66 cents. Total cost to the rest of us: 20 minutes of our lives and a heightened risk of postal attack. I couldn’t help but think that it would only be fair if Gisele were shot first, giving the rest of us time to bolt for the exit.
Is it possible that God (or the Alien Being that Lives 8 Billion Light Years Away) sent Gisele to test the patience that I so smugly claim to possess? If so, I have failed.
To redeem myself and regain my aura of niceness, I have determined that I must subject myself to an even worse line than the post office in December - which as we all know means a trip to the DMV at lunch time.
I will become the Madonna of Lines once again, even if I have to walk through fire. Even if it requires a pilgrimage to the Mecca of Lines, Disney World.
What I’ve learned from this experience is that many of us, including me (and a certain tightly wound lawyer friend of mine who probably shouldn’t be having caffeine at all), could show a little more patience this time of year.
So the next time “we” are in line at Starbucks, “we” will cut the nursing mom with the three screaming toddlers some slack. “We” won’t make rude gestures at the guy ordering for 10 of his colleagues.
And this holiday season, all of us will remember that real mensch’s DO NOT order blender drinks…especially if there are any postal workers in line behind us.
