Chuckle #483 | February 8th, 2012
Please Allow Me to Introduce You to…Wine in a Box
Just last year I started buying my “house” chardonnay by the box instead of by the bottle. Don’t laugh. Box wine isn’t as bad as it used to be. It’s tasty (in a blind taste test, three of my friends chose the box over a decent $13 dollar bottle), cheap (one $20 box = 4 bottles); and convenient. No more running out to the local liquor store in a panic on Friday night.
As you can see, I’m a woman of wealth and taste.
“Is there a downside to ‘box’ wine?” you ask. The answer is devilishly clear; alcoholism for one, and surreptitious teenage tippling for another. (These boxes should really come with a lockable spout.)
To be honest, chardonnay on tap might be just a little bit too convenient. Drinking wine from a bottle has the benefit of imposing some simple supply-side limits. When you open a bottle of wine, for example, you can never drink more than one bottle.
With a box of wine, one glass can easily turn into ten. “Isn’t this cool and fun?” you say to your husband as you ‘tap’ your first box. Then suddenly the thing is empty and you find yourselves wondering how that could have happened in just three days. Your mind begins to wander and you start having weird rambling thoughts like “Who killed the Kennedys?”
If you tap a box on Monday, then find yourself tipping it upside down in desperation on Saturday, you’re probably hitting the box a little too often. You could try blaming this on your dog, but unless you have a very clever dog (who is also a lush), people will find this difficult to believe.
Box wine is convenient, but it can lay your soul to waste. There should be more built-in controls. Responsible, litigation adverse corporations like Budweiser encourage sobriety these days. Box wine makers should follow suit. There are definitely ways to make ‘box wine’ both safer and more convenient for consumers.
1) Add a dispenser ‘window’, like the ones on the soap and shampoo dispensers at the gym, so we can see how much we’re drinking.
2) Install a breathalyzer activated spout.
3) Make it easier to access those last 6 ounces of wine without having to shred the box and cut open the bag. (Knives and alcohol do not mix.)
4) Include a tube so that the bag can be converted into a “camelback” unit for dispensing wine while skiing, walking on the beach or doing laundry.
5) Pet Peeve: warm wine. We need a special cooler with a “tap hole” that would make chilling and serving box wine easier at outdoor events like picnics and soccer games.
6) And finally, what’s really puzzling me is why box wine companies keep trying to make red wine. It’s swill. Stick to white wines. People don’t take those so seriously.
Until my suggested enhancements are made, I’m going to have to exercise some self-control, much like I do now with Doritos and peanut M&Ms. The “box” is a tempting little devil and I’m in need of some restraint.
My only other option is to go back to buying wine in bottles, which is not nearly as much fun as having wine on tap.
I know you are all trying to guess the name of my favorite “box” of chardonnay so here it is, Black Box. Restrain yourself though, because I have no sympathy for the devil of a headache that you’ll get from drinking too much of it!
Are you out there, Stones fans?
